Emotions
Emotions are signals, not orders. Name them, regulate intensity, express honestly without flooding others.
Granularity (expand labels)
| Broad | Specific |
|---|---|
| Bad | Disappointed, stuck, jealous, lonely |
| Good | Calm, grateful, excited, proud |
| Angry | Irritated, hurt, furious |
| Afraid | Anxious, uneasy, scared |
Finer labels → better interventions (table below).
Emotion → possible need
| Emotion | Maybe unmet need |
|---|---|
| Anger | Respect, fairness, boundary crossed |
| Anxiety | Certainty, preparation, support |
| Sadness | Connection, being seen, grief |
| Jealousy | Security, recognition |
In talk: “I might need ___, which is why I feel ___.”
Regulation toolbox (light → heavy)
| Tool | Duration | Use |
|---|---|---|
| Name it | 10 s | “This is anxiety” |
| 4-6 breath | 1 min | In 4, out 6 |
| Move | 5 min | Walk, cold water |
| Write | 10 min | Unsent vent |
| Pause pact | 20+ min | “Let’s continue at ___” |
tip
20-minute rule: strong physiological arousal often eases in ~20 min; delay big decisions and long replies.
I-statement template
“When ___ (observation), I feel ___ (emotion) because I need ___; would you ___ (specific request)?”
Avoid “You made me ___”—invites defense.
When to get professional help
- 2+ weeks depression/anxiety affecting work and sleep
- Self-harm or harm-to-others thoughts
- Trauma intrusions
Not a substitute for therapy; seeking help is strength.