Listening
Listening is not silence—it’s helping the other person feel understood while you capture accurate information.
Three levels
| Level | You’re doing | They feel |
|---|---|---|
| Internal | Planning rebuttal | Ignored |
| Focused | Tracking content, clarifying | Heard |
| Global | Tone, unstated needs | Understood |
Aim for focused minimum; in conflict, push toward global.
Basic phrases
| Situation | Line |
|---|---|
| Invite more | “Want to say more?” “What matters most to you?” |
| Clarify | “Do you mean ___?” |
| Reflect feeling | “Sounds like you’re frustrated / relieved” |
| Summarize | “So the core is A, and you care about B—right?” |
Rule: reflect before arguing; don’t interrupt the key sentence.
Listening session (15–30 min)
- Open: “I want to understand your view—I’ll listen first.”
- Listen only: minimal backchannel; notes optional.
- Reflect: 2–3 min summary; invite corrections.
- Respond: “Thanks for sharing. My view is ___.”
Digital listening
| Trap | Fix |
|---|---|
| Multitask replies | “Give me 10 min; then I’m fully here” |
| Won’t listen to voice notes | Ask for text summary or a call |
| Read-receipt pressure | State your need without accusation |
When to stop listening
- Abuse or threats → boundaries
- Three reflections still misheard → “We see this differently—pause for now”
- Body flooded (urge to yell) → break 20+ min
Practice (weekly)
With someone safe: 10 min listen + reflect only—no fixing. Note: how did they respond differently?